Do Over

Flashbacks are a funny thing; so random, so unexpected. A memory, seemingly lost over the years will suddenly pop into the forefront of your mind and in that otherwise banal moment you are catapulted to a time and a place you hadn’t thought of for decades (if you’re as old as me) and, most significantly, to an emotion that resurfaces, despite the space and time that has passed between. In terms of Reiki distance healing, it is said that you can heal any point in your past or your future – imagine two separated dots on a piece of paper represent two points in your life; by lifting the paper and folding so that both dots are now touching eachother, so space and time can be brought together (by those in a higher dimension). Have I lost you?! This is how best I can explain the emotional echo from all that time ago, distinctly present in the now. 

As I was cleaning coffee stains from the kitchen counter at my current workplace I was reminded of an episode from two decades ago that I had no particular reason to remember, it just popped up. It was at a workplace and involving a person I have long forgotten. Upon carrying my newly made coffee from the kitchen to my desk I turned my ankle and splashed half of my beverage across the double doors to the office before hobbling to my desk, cursing my consistently unstable ankle joints and berating myself for being so utterly useless. (Dramatic I know, but such was my middle name back then.)  Mr ‘Ego,’ the manager of the department adjacent to mine, came to my side, bent his elongated frame over and with arrogant aggression – not to mention invasion of my personal space – asked me if I ‘was going to clear up the mess I’d made, or what?’

Even now, whilst typing this, I am livid beyond rationale. At the time, as a 19yr old girl, I had no notion that I was allowed to tell him to go fuck himself and how dare he speak to me in that fashion; although I probably did reply with something flippantly juvenile.  He was someone whom I had no rapport with and didn’t particularly like because of his entirely unwarranted and unearned bravado; but certainly whom I didn’t expect such personal rudeness from. I did clear the mess, naturally, as I had intended to do once the throbbing pain had dissipated.

When the memory subsided and my focus was returned to the present I was met with a somewhat desperate plea for a do over. I wanted to go back to the me of that moment and stand up for myself, as I would do if I was approached like that today.  I most certainly wouldn’t allow a persons rudeness, especially if directed specifically at me, go without a cutting blow from my curt tongue nowadays.  Such are the lessons we learn throughout our lives.  I am wise enough to appreciate that he was probably having a bad day and decided to take it out on me, not that this is an excuse for such actions; but he had never approached me prior to this and I certainly gave no-one just cause to react to me like that.

Perhaps I am as ever, too sensitive for my own good; but the power of that emotional charge, brought on by a simple snapshot of the past, resonated so extraordinarily fiercely with me that I was quite taken aback.  Imagine the people we could be right now if we popped back in time and gave ourselves the sterling pair of shining proverbials that we have so justifiably earned since we were too young, too weak or too stupid to know better…!

JGlover 18.07.16
 

 

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All About The (Baby) Boy

Being able to share in someone’s joy is a distinct privilege and honour, especially when it is due to a life changing event.  Earlier this week our department threw a baby shower for a colleague.   A few of us early birds gathered in the decorated office, eagerly awaiting her entrance and consequent reactionary surprise.  Sleepy-eyed and unaware of the spotlight, she breezed in to find a sea of faces gazing upon her, lit with mischievous smiles, glistening eyes and, with bated breath, we watched her expression change from quiet calm to happy chaos.  Balloons bobbed around on weighted ribbons, others taped to her computer screen; bunting and banners adorned walls and doors; wispy pastel coloured shapes floated down from the ceiling; a ‘Mum to be’ sash sat perched on the back of her chair, wanting to be worn; and a large blue-iced sponge cake with letter block design atop, sat proudly at the centre of her desk, hand made by a colleague.  Suffice to say she was shocked. Once we felt she had been embarrassed enough we dispersed wishing her a happy shower day. 

At lunch time we laid out the party food, to which we’d all contributed, enough to afford us lunches and snacks for the remainder of the week.  On display, upon a cleared desk sat a large cardboard box, dressed in baby themed wrapping paper, overflowing with gifts. Rather than a collection we’d opted to buy presents individually. For a department of around 20 staff this was an impressive, and very generous, haul. 

Now, I’m not a fan of babies, but I am a fan of parties, especially of helping to organise them; and this party was extra special.  The mum-to-be silently suffers an irrelievable pain that comes from being unable to carry your own child. What should be every woman’s natural born right – to procreate – has been denied her; for a woman with such maternal instincts and desire for a child, this truly is one of life’s cruellest injustices. However much it will remain a tragic lament in the depths of her heart, it should pale into insignificance thanks to the imminent arrival of a 9month old baby boy into her and her partner’s lives.

The adoption process is arduous and characteristically intrusive with good reason of course; the safeguarding of a child is paramount; but considering two spotty teenage oiks can perform a drunken have-at-it and immediately fall pregnant, the lengths two genuine and decent people have to go to seems relentlessly burdening.  Still, perseverance has proffered what they wished for; a child to raise and call their own. Biology isn’t everything and it’ll make them no less of a Mummy and Daddy, in fact it’ll make them more so.

After the lunch and gift opening had finished and all was cleared away, as if right on cue, she received a call from her social worker to confirm the adoption had been signed off and paperwork was in the post. It was official. All that remains is for them to be introduced and, at the end of a week of supervised meets, bring him home; a beautiful new chapter to begin together. 

For the rest of us, we are all sharing in their joy. We’ve been kept in the loop over the last year as to what stage they were at; the trials, the hopes, the upsets and now the reward.  It’s fair to say that we all feel we’ve adopted a part of this baby boy; we are Aunties in waiting (and one Uncle.) No doubt we’ll be seeing him inside and outside of the office very soon.

On the whole, at work, we are a unified team. The women I work with are incredibly compassionate, generous, loving, caring.  Having been on the receiving end of the cushion of love and support they instinctively provide at times of need, I knew exactly how the mum-to-be felt….overwhelmed.  Needless to say the bubba has no idea how much love and fun he is about to inherit from his new folks….not to mention his army of work Aunties!  How unique it is to proudly call your colleagues family.

JG 23.05.15 

Chasing Happiness

Sometimes you get an overwhelming compulsion to run away or to radically alter yourself/your life; perhaps both.  Either way they are escapist notions born out of sheer boredom.  Suddenly the life you lead becomes insufficient, mundane, frustratingly routine.  The work you do is no longer challenging; the relationship you are in becomes stagnant; the stay at home mum gets tired of laundry and relentless tidying.  Life gets dull for us all from time to time.  And this is where I’ve found myself recently.

It’s taken a few weeks to get to a point where I needed a time out, whereby my tolerance for everyone and everything fell through the floor – not ideal when you are mentoring trainee staff that constantly need answers to their questions.  Suffice to say I had to apologise to one patience-testing individual who, on the second occasion that I snapped at last week, I told to ‘piss off before I slap you one.’  Fortunately I am well known enough for my reaction to be seen as both out of character and in jest (ish.)  No lasting harm done; not that there is ever an excuse for having a bad attitude, hence my apology.  This, and other coinciding events, brought me to one single conclusion – I needed to be alone.  Frankly, and ideally, a month or two on an isolated beach with zero interaction with any human being is what I fantasised about; but for the self-employed woman, just beginning a renewed contract, a long weekend had to make do.

I sat on my bench on the green after work on Thursday night and called my Mum regarding the day, the decisions, the tears with colleagues, aka my mini meltdown.  I said that I have so much planned for May/June that I barely have a weekend free and that, while I am looking forward to them, I’m not excited.  I’m not excited about anything lately.  I have become increasingly unhappy, and when you feel unhappy there isn’t a physical thing you can do to change it; you just have to let it pass.  Happiness is an inherent state of being; not a beach you are on, not the job you are in, nor even the company you keep;  but all of those things can perpetuate your happiness if you are already within that place.  I digress.

So my Mum wished that I would hurry up and settle down, preferably up North nearer to where they moved to, put some roots down, instead of always, “Chasing happiness.”  Those two words, unbeknownst to her, stopped me in my tracks.  ‘Chasing happiness.’  Is that what I do?  Given some thought it becomes a desperately depressing statement.  Am I the (relatively) young, free and single girl with money to spend, places to visit, experiences to have whose ideology is spontaneity?  Or am I the middle-aged purposeless woman, filling my free time with adventures and escapism to evade an otherwise crippingly lonely existence?  Do my escapades from hotel to motel; North coast to South coast; theatre to opera and everywhere inbetween simply fill an aching void before a meaning, a reason, a purpose for my time on Earth finally presents itself?

Chasing happiness….

I don’t regard myself as unhappy, generally; I’m just having a blip.  Mundanity has crept in.  Running away, as idyllic as it sounds, is never a solution.  Problems will simply pack their bags and tell the cab they just got into to follow yours.  Time out is good though, to find some peace and quiet, some solitude away from the daily clucking of fellow battery caged office workers.

The long weekend of doing what I pleased and having quality time with the tonic that is my best pal has calmed my stormy seas, for now.  Old routines must go, mundanity is not acceptable.  Big changes are a must, but for now, it’s back to work tomorrow….more relaxed….and hopefully with a better attitude.

Perhaps I should apologise to my colleagues in advance….just in case…!

JG
27.04.15

Happy New Year!

Ah….a new year….and what a change already. For the first time in a long time I haven’t been glad to see the back of it. 2014 was good to me, on the whole. It began somewhat dubiously but ended on a high with new additions to my life that have come to mean a lot.

2014 saw a romance, albeit brief; friendships lost; friendships gained; the long awaited finality of an insurance claim; a nice amount of saved earnings putting me well on my way to having a deposit for when I buy my first property (hopefully this year); my Mum beating cancer down again; my first holiday in years…..all sorts of things. Pretty awesome! And I am excited. Excited about my future. Even though I still have no clue what I’m meant to be doing! It will come, all in good time.

The best thing to come from last year is a new level of peace. I am happy in myself right now. I have a good head on my shoulders; I’m under no illusion that the peace could be shattered at any moment, so it’s worth being thankful for every day that passes without a scrape, and thankful I am.

Today, for some reason, I found myself being excited about love. There’s no-one special in my life at the moment, no-one remotely of potential for holding my interest, yet I’m still excited! I think it’s because, deep down, I have faith that I will find the absolute one. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes anymore. Even if I found her on my dying day, it would be utterly worth it, just to feel that all consuming, all powerful love….the real thing. I have had love in my life but not the love of my life. She is out there. Somewhere. Going about her day. Maybe hoping to meet ‘me’ too. Wondering when she is going to meet the one to be bamboozled by. How can that be anything other than exciting?! It seems impossible from time to time, but I remain inspired by the notion.

Workwise, I have three months left of my contract and then I am to be set free….who knows where I’ll end up. I know where I’m hoping to be, but time will tell. Frankly, I can’t wait! Although it will be a painful day in March when I pack up and leave….there will be tears. I love them all, it has been a distinct pleasure to be back in that family.

Whatever happens to you this year, may you all be blessed with success and thank you for taking time out to read my little bloggy.

Sending love,

Joey
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