Straight Dreams and Gay Days

 

My dreams have become a cause for concern lately; now I know to some, hearing about other people’s night time imaginings is a distinct bore, but I love ’em. They can be hilarious, confusing, peculiar, but always interesting; and I like to seek out the symbolism, whether in my own dreams, or the dreams of others. The general theme and running joke of mine for some time are the exploits of my apparent alter ego and her preference for those of the opposite sex. I was starting to wonder if I’m as gay as I always thought I was.

Initially I began dreaming of the only men I found physically attractive, Beckham, Somerhalder, Pavelka, Hartnett, Tatum…..oddly Tom Daley crept in one time, don’t ask, I am unable to explain that one (apart from him also being gay I’m probably old enough to be his mum)….oh, and Jason Manford….anyway, they were all in love with me and wanted to be with me. I took enormous comfort in their adoration and affection, although it wasn’t similarly reciprocated.  Very recently I dreamt about a male work colleague; it’s been years since I dreamt of a friend in that way, especially a fella. Recounting these shenanigans was just for fun; to tell my straight girlfriends just how much hot Hollywood action this lesbo was getting.  Recently though, I had been getting somewhat perturbed.

Googling, ‘straight dreams when you’re gay,’ wasn’t particularly helpful; but it did provide a glimmer of hope. I wondered if my spirit guides were trying to warn me of what is to come, so that I’ll be less shocked if I was to ever fall for a man in reality. Bizarrely I have to say……it was working. I have been bombarded each night with straight love, straight intimacy, so much so that my waking mind has opened to the notion that yes, it is a possibility. When you fall for a person you fall for their soul, not their packaging; as an open minded person, I have to be open to the notion, although I’m not at all keen on the idea! Yet dreams being more to do with symbolism than hard fact, perhaps it’s more of a reflection on my attitude towards love and relationships. I have been told by a clairvoyant that the person I end up with doesn’t fit the bill of my usual type, and you can’t get more opposite than the opposite sex! However, it’s more likely that my subconscious is opening my mind to allow freer ideas of what my future love will be.  (Thanks Google search.)  As a result of my subconscious hijinks, the wall I have successfully built over the years has finally cracked, revealing shards of light from the land of love beyond.  Crack on I say!

Since the colleague dream, after which I began putting this brain fart to paper, I had gone to bed the next night asking the Universe what it was playing at. I advised my guides that even if I did fall for a man it would never work….the physicality of such a relationship is incomprehensible.  I needn’t have worried too much; my prayers were answered and I awoke with a smile on my face. I dreamt that I had organised an Orange Is The New Black convention in town and various pub/club after parties. Every single person in my dream, filling the town, was a lesbian; not a straight woman or man to be seen and I found myself quite in my element. If I needed an affirmation of my sexuality then that was definitely it!

JG 05.04.16

Advertisements

Not Yet! Come Back Later!

I have many thoughts when it comes to love…..the beauty of it, the pain of it, the ownership of it, the loss of it, the want of it, and so on; as I am quite sure I’ve mentioned before……  There is no doubt that true love is amazing and what we all want to find; but what if our expectations of a person never match up to the ideal in our heads?  Do we forever strive to find a love that may only exist in our imagination?  Do we submit to settling for someone we love, but who may not fulfil our deepest desires?  Or do we just stay single?

I am big on equalities in life and I think it’s even more important to be equals in a relationship in many respects; mostly with regard to attitude, consideration, loyalty, thoughtfulness, helpfulness and a capacity to love.  I know precisely what I have to offer a person; and it’s the kind of deep love and loyalty that you just don’t see these days.  And, although, I may wish for a true love to come my way; I realise it may not even exist.

Yet I do wonder if infact it’s me that is not right for a relationship.  Maybe, after everything; after all the hurt, the pain, the broken hearts, the failure to be given a true love; maybe the reason for all of this is that I am meant to be alone.  There is no doubt that I have a lot of love to give; but there is immense doubt as to whether somebody exists who can return as much love; or even, if I am capable of receiving it.  What if I convince myself that my own flaws are enough to prevent me inflicting myself upon a poor, unsuspecting soul?!  What if, I am not enough for the kind of love I dream about?

Love is wonderful, but I think I may just have to admire it from afar.  It will take someone particularly incredible to turn my head and, at the moment, I know I’m not enough for her; I’m not woman enough to have her heart; I’m not accomplished enough; I’m not physically acceptable enough and I wouldn’t even say I’m emotionally mature enough;………………but I’m working on it! 

So, to the love of my life, wherever she may be………….bear with.  Bear with.

 

JG

Have You Truly Lived?

As there is never enough time to do all there is to do in life…..and you are only really accountable for the opportunities afforded you……if asked the question, “Have you lived?”  How will you know what to answer?  By what/whose standard is there to measure by?

I am, as yet, unmarried.

I don’t want to have children.

I haven’t seen the world/travelled.

I don’t date.

I underachieve, by my own standards.

I have dreamed.

I have never cheated.

I do not tell lies

Have I not lived?

 

I have loved.

I have worked.

I have overcome debt.

I have infrequently holidayed.

I have made people smile.

I have been a positive influence..

I have loved unrequitedly.

I have been generous.

I am loved.

 

Have I lived?

 

We can all presume we have many years left to live…..but if found on our death beds today……could you be satisfied that you lived to the best of your ability?  And if the answer is even a remotely curious, ‘no,’……………..what will you do about that?

JG