The ‘D’ Word

Depression.   It is a terrible affliction.  Some suffer it as a one off, perhaps after a traumatic life event, or series of events; others return to it time and again; seemingly with just a simple shift in their chemical balance a person can be thrown to the floor, emotionally speaking.  Whatever the cause, it is debilitating, soul destroying and a right royal pain in the arse.

I have more than known my fair share of low moods. I have never seen a Doctor about it (I am anti GPs, on the whole, and even more anti-pills) so I have no formal diagnosis of depression, I refuse to acknowledge it as such.  I have never had a clinical depression, whereby I am physically unable to remove myself from bed, let alone the house.  Despite any amount of lows/depressions, I have never let it stop me from doing day to day activities; I have worked through a broken heart, carried on when loved ones died; but that’s what should happen isn’t it?  Life goes on, despite the tears and absence of joy or any facial expression remotely resembling a smile.  You fight.

Despite considering myself a strong woman, there is only so much I can take before cracks appear.  These weaknesses, these cracks, let the inner light escape so that all that is left on the inside is darkness; and inner darkness is extremely scary.  It’s like being in a moonless field at night, you walk but you see nothing; no ground, no sky, no horizon.  Eyes wide open, but no light to even depict a shape.  The emotions accompanying this metaphoric visual loss are equally as eviscerating; loneliness, sadness, worthlessness, pointlessness, eventually culminating in a desperate longing for it to all be over with.

Life is horrific enough; there is more than enough tragedy in the world, more than enough untimely deaths; so to feel like you don’t want to go on living seems an inordinate shame.  Why do negative life events make some turn to thoughts of disappearing off this mortal coil, while others to just a momentary stop-gap of tears before dusting off and carrying on?  It’s a difference that I find fascinating.  Ultimately, we are all worth so much more than to fall foul of despair.  It is that feeling in itself that is pointless, not the reasons that led us there.

I made a conscious decision, a few years ago, to not be dogged by my own negativity and insecurities of old.  I had had enough of sobbing with regard to my own self perpetuated inadequacies and ‘oh the injustice of it all;’ vowing to invite positivity into my life, and that’s precisely what I did.  The world turns regardless, so why continue to waste precious time living a half life?  And truly, from a point of desperation (a night I remember vividly) I changed my outlook on life.  Until recently.

It took a failed relationship to put me back in that dark place.  From a decision to leave, which I believed to be for the best at the time, my world slowly cracked and collapsed under the weight of every inadequacy I could pertain to my existence; the job I hate; the weight I carry; the love I give; the things I seem to have to sacrifice constantly; the isolation my life choices have brought.  Before I knew it, all sense of rationality had gone, my light snuffed out yet again.  Climbing up the walls erected around you to find clarity on the surface of life is an enormous challenge, especially if it is made a continuous task.  It is exhausting, actually.

Despite all this intense negativity, I wouldn’t change the way I have been.  I would never choose to have not experienced such crippling, illogical lows because there is so much positivity to be gained from them.  When you are so used to the idea of your own mortality, you have far less to fear.  It makes you care more for what is important in life.  It gives you an understanding that people come and go and that is okay.  More importantly than anything it gives you a greater appreciation of the good times, when they come.

Depression seems a frustrating waste of one’s time, but to overcome it, even if having to overcome it is a regular occurrence in your life, makes you far stronger and a far better person than you were before it.  When it comes, ride it out, claw your way through it.  Life will never be the same, you will never be the same……consider yourself upgraded. xx