Rebel Girls – Wake Up Call

I time-travelled this morning; sadly not in the Doc and Marty sense. You know when something sends you instantly to a previous time of your life….a smell, a song, a season…..suddenly you are transported. It is quite incredible, quite powerful, to know that your brain can instantaneously return you to a feeling that you hadn’t had for such a long time; a time and a feeling that can never be repeated, it was exclusive to that period of your life. And yet, with that one song…

It is a rare occasion, these days, that I will let my mobile phone alarm play the entirety of whichever song I have selected. Usually, no sooner have I heard the first chord I hit the snooze button, repeatedly, until it’s at least an hour and a half post wake-up time and I’m running late for work. This morning, quite by accident, I let it play. I was having such an in depth dream (where all the satellites orbiting the Earth, fell in one big, simultaneous hit across the globe; mostly in my back garden, in case you were wondering) that the song became a part of the dream. Before I knew it I was jolted awake, bopping along in by bed to Incubus’ “Rebel Girls.”

I bloody love that song. I only found it around this time last year, perhaps a little later, just as Spring had sprung. I have remarked on this before, but that was the start of an incredible few months for me. Hearing that song play out took me straight back there; and whilst I basked in that formidable memory for a few moments, recalling the excitement, the promise, the new experiences, the romance, my regular visits to my beloved Brightonia and most of all, the amazing feeling of being truly alive; it got me thinking about now and what a difference a year makes.

So much can happen in life. You gain people, you lose people; you may change your job; your finances. There is relentless change. The friend, who became a lover, is now lost from my life. The conversations we used to have were highly entertaining and insightful, but it clearly was not meant to continue. Another friend walked away from me last year without reason, but that’s okay too, that brief friendship had more than run its course. There was so much light at the start of 2014 and yet towards the Autumn it became so dark with the strain that cancer puts on a family; I truly find it incredible how things can change so rapidly in such a small amount of time.

2015 has begun quite non-descript, which is probably a blessing in itself. For a couple of people I know the absolute unthinkable has happened to their loved ones – one couple are coming to terms with the loss of a child to illness; another friend is coming to terms with a sibling being imprisoned in what has been a heart-breaking miscarriage of justice. I am quite thankful for the monotony given what could be happening. Although to say ‘monotony’ is doing life an injustice. There are things happening; I have more savings than I’ve ever had, which is all going towards my deposit for my Brightonian (or nearabouts) home; I’ve been given a further 6months contract at work, which is amazing and has smashed any prior longevity of contract before now and I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m still there at Christmas! Which would be just fabulous.

Maybe it’s not all the same vibrancy of what last Spring had to offer, but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. In these quieter times, we can put all those little pieces of life together. We can reflect, appreciate, send our gratitude out into the ether. Personally I feel nothing but love and thankfulness for all that has been; and use this time to appreciate the calm which is such a blessing after all the stress of last year. My brain can calm itself ready for whatever is coming next. I may not have a song attached to this period to send me into rapturous reverie this time next year, but it doesn’t make now any less poignant.

How wonderful that Rebel Girls, no matter what happens in life, will always fill me with joy.

Have a marvellous day.



Choice is a gift to us all…….

Happiness is a state of being we are all capable of, if we’d only allow ourselves the freedom of a better perspective on life to reach it. I spent most of my teens and early adulthood believing that happiness was a myth; too caught up in my own cynicism to appreciate that we all had the potential to smile and mean it.  For me, it took being at an emotional rock bottom, for the gazillionth time, to realise it was my attitude that needed to change, not my circumstance; something of which I have been reminded of recently.  We all hit a bit of funk now and then, especially, if you’re like me, you know something needs to happen but you don’t have the patience to wait for it.  This simply results in mental and physical suffering.  Sometimes all it needs is a gentle nudge to help open your eyes and regain focus.

This is all well and good if you already have the knowledge and understanding to realise that, beyond the single hovering cumulus, your life remains on track, and that it is merely a case of blowing the cloud away.  For some, no amount of reasoning can assist in manoeuvring clouds from above their heads.  They are permanently hard done by, permanent victims.  I was one of them once; so blind I thought the world was conspiring against me.  Fortunately I grew out of that.  With a simple adjustment to attitude, and even despite no real change whatsoever to circumstance, your whole life can improve.  It really is all about perspective.

When you are so embroiled in bitter unhappiness, nothing goes right for you.  And why should it?  When you are filling life with so much negative energy, how can you expect to receive, or maintain anything good?  Naturally you are going to deny yourself opportunities; sabotage your own potential and eventually wind up alone as you push the right people away forever and keep the arseholes of the world around you.  I recognised this pattern in my life many years ago and continue to make changes to prevent it from happening again.  If you believe you have done no wrong and that it’s everyone else that is to blame for your lack of happiness, then you will never succeed in anything.  In truth, you are solely responsible for the state of your life……if you always lose, where others seem to win, whose fault is that?

We all deserve to be happy.  There genuinely is so much happiness to have.  There are some poor souls out there who have been through the most terrible ordeals yet still have the presence of mind to be thankful for the things that made them who they are, for the blessings they have been afforded and actively choose to be happy; because, when it comes down to it, it is all about choice.  You can either choose to live in misery, or choose to live in happiness.  We can all be forgiven a temporary lapse when things go wrong, we are none of us infallible and need support occasionally; but we should always be aware that the storms pass and brighter days continuously beckon.

I am the happiest I’ve been in a long time.  I have a much more positive attitude to life than my in formative years and the people I choose to have around me reflect that.  I’m not perfect; I still stress about things I can’t change, to a certain degree, but then that’s not always a bad thing; it means I constantly strive to be better as opposed to just plodding my way through life.  I take responsibility for my actions, I accept blame when I make mistakes and I treat the people I love with the respect they deserve; I am deeply thankful for everything I have and have had.  These are the reasons I have a beautiful love in my life again; these are the reasons I maintain good friendships;  these are the reasons I hold my head high.

Don’t wallow.  Let go.  Be blessed.  Be healthy.  Be loved.  Be happy.


A Change in Us + A Change in Them = The End

We are all aware that no matter what you do, you cannot change another person.  You cannot mould them into being better; to being more your type; to seeing things your way or to liking the things that you like.  You can try to encourage, support, make suggestions, but each of us marches to our own drum.  We will not be changed.  Yet, how true is this really?

Love, one would think, is the most powerful motivator for change.  Unless you are extremely fortunate and find yourself in love with the most perfect person for you, when we fall in love we automatically try to fall in line, to reach a common ground; to become that perfect partner.  If you are anything like me, you take a step back, observe, learn what you can (and can’t) get away with and then behave accordingly.  A totally incorrect way to be I hear you bellow at the device you are reading this on, and quite correct you are.  It is natural to adapt yourself to any environment and even to any person, but not to the point where you forget yourself; or deny yourself the right to be true to yourself.

Worse still, it is sad when you both try to adapt to better suit eachother, because eventually it will fail, it’s inevitable.  Being someone you inherently aren’t is something which cannot be persevered at, and why should it?  This is when love simply isn’t enough, which is quite possibly the most tragic circumstance to find yourself in; especially if, like me, real love is felt so very rarely; thus dooming me into more years of loneliness, waiting for a love that may never come.

“If you love them, let them go,” has never been more poignant to me.  My ex and I had to let eachother go as we had stopped making eachother happy.  Our vastly different lifestyles bent and buckled under the weight of relentless compromise, on both sides, until our hearts broke to part, as much as they broke to stay.  A devastating situation to come to terms with, then and now.

However we all have an impact on those around us, so we do in effect change others, but the obvious changes we try to impress upon them are pointlessly futile.  If I ever find myself falling for someone whom I think needs to change, or who I need to change myself for in order for either of us to be happy, I will walk away before any damage is done.   I hope.