New Beginnings

What a God send it is to finally see clear skies through the fog.

Today I start another new phase of my ever changing life. Currently I am en route to a new residence in familiar settings; a changed woman from when previously there in 2011.

My life, my horizons, my beliefs have all been broadened by the decisions I’ve made, the love I have gained, the experiences afforded me; all the joy and pain of the last two years. What a ride! I am, in so many ways, lucky to have had so much good, in spite of the negatives – nothing in life is perfect; but much of it is to do with perspective, reaction, an understanding that if you believe you are where you should be, even if it’s not totally ideal for you, then everything has it’s purpose, whether you are aware of it or not. There is comfort in that. Knowing that, for whatever reason, I am where I am meant to be, is what strengthens me to carry on; as well as hope of course. I am ever hopeful for better days; for realising dreams.

You have to love yourself enough to let go of all the bad things; the pain of loss; lamenting; as hard as it is. There can be no future if you live in the past; and, sometimes, you have to be ruthless; you have to cut people out; leave a place behind, anything in order to forget the sadness and move on. It doesn’t mean you have stopped caring for, or loving that person/place, (nothing could be further from the truth), it just means you are putting yourself first. An entitlement of which we all possess.

A new beginning is always full of excitement and I have had many new beginnings – but, the truth of it is that, everyday, whether it brings change or routine, can be seen as a new beginning. A new job, a move, a new love interest, any of these are obvious changes with potential for fresh excitement; but simply waking up to a new day can prove the start of something amazing.

So I look forward to today’s fresh start. I have made exciting plans, living the life I was so used to, galavanting around, living to the best of my ability. I will forever miss what I had but I choose to inhale the love I still feel, the happiness and thankfulness for all that I had; and I exhale the sadness and pain so that I may welcome future happiness. I deserve it.

JG 04.01.14

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Love vs Dollar

I used to think I had it all. I was 22, in my first relationship, openly gay, in love with my soulmate. We had debt up to our eyeballs, repayments stretching our budgets, no money to afford anywhere near a good living. One year, for Christmas, we spent hours making a variety of chocolate truffles to box up as gifts because we had no money for presents….but it didn’t matter. We had a lot of fun doing it and we felt good that it was a personal touch. Nothing in life seemed to matter back then because we had eachother. Seven years after it began, it failed. I was ruined.

I have strived to better my lifestyle since then, which I did. I worked hard to pay off all my debts, which I did. I enjoyed the lifestyle, through a decent paying job, but has it brought me happiness? No. Has it brought me peace? Well, to a degree, yes. And after the last attempt at love failed it begs the question, just what else do I have to do to be happy?

The love of my last girlfriend made me happy but the relationship was so fraught with problems that it’s hardly surprising it didn’t last. Just being honest. Though no-one can say I didn’t try all I could to make it work.

So what now?

I’ve spent this evening with family in a home I’ve been coming to for most of my life, since my Aunt and Uncle moved here some 25-30 years ago. I loved being part of a couple, with my first love, bringing her here, sharing my family with her. I had it made. We had a future. As it turns out, that future didn’t involve her! Still, I got over it. Took me 4-5years but I got over it.

I look at my cousins, married with kids of their own, and although I don’t want kids, I can’t help but wonder, why not me? Why have I got to this age without a snifter of ‘the one?’ When everyone in my life tells me I’m so worthy, why does she elude me? I know good things come to those who wait, but Christ…!

At the moment I have to hold my hands up, surrender to life and just go with it; keep up the hope that one day I will be settled, that one day I will have what I want, what I deserve. I may, currently, have a job that earns a decent wage, but I have always maintained that I would give it all up to have true love; to feel truly content again.

What’s the point of money when there’s no-one to share it with? And who needs money when all you need is love?

JG

Second chances…………….

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Two years ago I agonised over a decision to relocate to the North West, from the South East, to follow my folks who moved up in their retirement.  Roughly six weeks after the move I found myself seeing the girl I would end up in a relationship with and consequently move to live with.  18 months later I was back in the family home, relationship over.  It’s taken me a while to come to terms with everything; not just the relationship, but also life, in general.  Now, I am left wondering…….what happened?!

I found a Zumba class when I first moved up here in late 2011.  I had been doing it for a while, back home, and didn’t want to stop.  As I have started to feel more like my good ole self, I decided to return to that class.  While I was there, standing in the back, stepping from foot to foot to the music, eager to start, an odd feeling came over me.  Although I am a different person to the me two years prior, here I was in the same class I frequented two years ago….living at my parent’s, as I was two years ago…….planning to return to work in the new year and move into my own place, as I was two years ago.  Just where did two years go?!!!!!!

It’s like I fell into a deep sleep, had an extremely vivid dream, and then woke up; just as though nothing real had taken place.  To make things even more bizarre, I have had a contract offer from the same place I worked at before relocating……and accommodation, which I was in whilst working there becomes available Xmas week……so, effectively, if all goes to plan, I will be in the same job, practically in the same flat, dahn sahf again.

You can imagine the questions that have flooded my tiny mind……where did those two years go?  Why, if life intended on returning me from whence I came, did I have to make the decision to move my life and all my gear up here in the first place?  Why the relationship?  Was it (and I mean this in absolutely no disrespect to my ex) a stepping stone to my next?  Was it just to teach me a lesson that will stand me in good stead in the months/years to come?  In relationships to come?  Why, since the break up, did I decide to ditch the day job and do something that I thought would make me happy, if I am to now abandon that new philosophy and return to work (apart from needing an income of course)?!!  Why?  Why?  Why?!!!!!!

I see nothing in life as just coincidence.  I always look at the bigger picture.  I don’t view my life on a day to day basis, I think long term.  I believe in everything happening for a reason.  Whether that is because I am Faithless, but still being human, I need something to believe in; or because it is actually true; I have to justify events and create perspective.  I know, precisely, the various lessons learned from my last relationship.  I am painfully aware of the reality of it all.  It’s only now that I can look back fondly and thankfully, but without emotional attachment.

It may be some time before I know the reason for it all.  Deep down, I think I do already.  As a friend has frequently pointed out to me, all that has happened has taught me what I don’t want in life.  Although intentions of living near my folks were good, in reality, I am not of retirement age.  When I moved I wanted to settle down from all the constant to-ing and fro-ing that comes with being a contractor; I was knackered!  I worked all hours, I travelled all over in my spare time, visiting friends and family; I certainly lived, but I’d had enough.

You could say I got precisely what I wanted.  I moved, I found love, I settled down.  I had someone to come home to.  I worked when I wanted to, had plenty of time out when I wanted to.  It was a good position to be in; in fact it was an amazing position to be in.  Now though, after everything, my priorities have changed.  I am no longer in need of finding love.  I no longer need to settle down.  I have no desire for a relationship any time soon.  I am happy to live my life as it happens, without expectations; even, dare I admit it, patiently.

So these past two years may seem to have passed in the blink of an eye, but I feel like I have been given a second chance.  Life provided what I thought I needed and in the process it taught me to chill out, to not place so much importance on finding love, and more poignantly to not feel duty bound to follow love when your gut advises you otherwise.  All that is meant to be will happen in good time; whether it be another lesson to learn, or the real deal.

So thank you life, I heard ya!  Time to enjoy my freedom.

JG

Lovey Dovey, Lovey Dovey, Lovey Dovey, All The Time?

They say it’s better to be alone than in a bad or lonely relationship.  I have had this ‘reassurance’ advised by many in recent months.  Although it is true, I can’t help but roll my eyes at the exhaustion caused by hearing these attempts at comforting one’s bruised ego.  I mean no disrespect to the friendly well-wishes; it’s no different from the predictory advise I would give. But the only thought that immediately crosses my mind is, ‘but it’s better to be in a good, loving relationship than to be alone.’

Life, to me, is about sharing.  What is the point in embarking on this ‘journey’ if it has to be done alone?  What is the point in being well-loved by many but have no-one by your side?  What is the point of having wonderful people, friends and family around you; a good, honest, decent lifestyle; of having so very much love in you, when you don’t have ‘the one’ to share it with?  These are all things to be enjoyed by oneself, to be thankful for, but to share is to complete the package, unite it all.

Love is an amazing gift, all too easily abused and disrespected by many.  An all-encompassing, enriching, completing emotion reduced, by some, to a simple word and used to manipulate others into satisfying their own selfish needs.  Quite abominable.  There is an almost daily gut-wrenching twist from within me; a lamenting ache in the knowledge that my capacity to express my love remains unfulfilled, try as I have.  This is not to suggest that I have not loved my exes above and beyond…if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have been with them, but as both failed, it almost certainly proves that there should be hope for another.

It would be all too easy to be with someone for the sake of it.  They may not be beating down my door, but I am not without occasional interest.  If I were a less secure, needy individual, inconsiderate of someone else’s affections then I would decide to go to these rarities and dabble at an alliance…..(note the distinct lack of romance there) but I am not needy, I am nowhere near as insecure as I tell myself and I, most certainly, am not inconsiderate of someone else’s affections.  In fact, I am probably overly considerate at times.  The last thing I would ever want is to be seen to encourage the feelings of another, by dating for example, only to realise somewhere down the line that I have no desire to pursue them, thus potentially letting them down and causing unnecessary hurt.  This isn’t a big-headed assumption that the poor woman would inevitably fall for me, merely a potential circumstance.  Having been so let down in matters of the heart myself, I have always attempted, as diplomatically as I can, to dissuade any interest when I know there is no spark in me for that person.

All that this chivalrous, gentlewomanly approach to love means is that I remain incomplete and unattached, albeit for the right reasons, until such time that my fires are re-ignited; should I ever be blessed again.  So yes, well wishers, it is far better to be alone than in a lonely or loveless relationship – but give me an honest, loving shared path upon which to tread any day of the week; it beats singledom hands down.  In the meantime, I keep my dignity intact and my love a precious commodity, belonging only a special few.

JG  15.11.13