Do Over

Flashbacks are a funny thing; so random, so unexpected. A memory, seemingly lost over the years will suddenly pop into the forefront of your mind and in that otherwise banal moment you are catapulted to a time and a place you hadn’t thought of for decades (if you’re as old as me) and, most significantly, to an emotion that resurfaces, despite the space and time that has passed between. In terms of Reiki distance healing, it is said that you can heal any point in your past or your future – imagine two separated dots on a piece of paper represent two points in your life; by lifting the paper and folding so that both dots are now touching eachother, so space and time can be brought together (by those in a higher dimension). Have I lost you?! This is how best I can explain the emotional echo from all that time ago, distinctly present in the now. 

As I was cleaning coffee stains from the kitchen counter at my current workplace I was reminded of an episode from two decades ago that I had no particular reason to remember, it just popped up. It was at a workplace and involving a person I have long forgotten. Upon carrying my newly made coffee from the kitchen to my desk I turned my ankle and splashed half of my beverage across the double doors to the office before hobbling to my desk, cursing my consistently unstable ankle joints and berating myself for being so utterly useless. (Dramatic I know, but such was my middle name back then.)  Mr ‘Ego,’ the manager of the department adjacent to mine, came to my side, bent his elongated frame over and with arrogant aggression – not to mention invasion of my personal space – asked me if I ‘was going to clear up the mess I’d made, or what?’

Even now, whilst typing this, I am livid beyond rationale. At the time, as a 19yr old girl, I had no notion that I was allowed to tell him to go fuck himself and how dare he speak to me in that fashion; although I probably did reply with something flippantly juvenile.  He was someone whom I had no rapport with and didn’t particularly like because of his entirely unwarranted and unearned bravado; but certainly whom I didn’t expect such personal rudeness from. I did clear the mess, naturally, as I had intended to do once the throbbing pain had dissipated.

When the memory subsided and my focus was returned to the present I was met with a somewhat desperate plea for a do over. I wanted to go back to the me of that moment and stand up for myself, as I would do if I was approached like that today.  I most certainly wouldn’t allow a persons rudeness, especially if directed specifically at me, go without a cutting blow from my curt tongue nowadays.  Such are the lessons we learn throughout our lives.  I am wise enough to appreciate that he was probably having a bad day and decided to take it out on me, not that this is an excuse for such actions; but he had never approached me prior to this and I certainly gave no-one just cause to react to me like that.

Perhaps I am as ever, too sensitive for my own good; but the power of that emotional charge, brought on by a simple snapshot of the past, resonated so extraordinarily fiercely with me that I was quite taken aback.  Imagine the people we could be right now if we popped back in time and gave ourselves the sterling pair of shining proverbials that we have so justifiably earned since we were too young, too weak or too stupid to know better…!

JGlover 18.07.16