Saying Goodbye

A final goodbye is such a peculiar hour. Today I attended the funeral of a Great Aunt. She was 94yrs old, widow to her husband who had died over four years prior. He had reached over 100yrs old; they had been married for 71yrs. They had children, grandchildren, great grandchildren and even great great grandchildren. They were adorable people and a loving couple. My Great Uncle, was the sweetest, most gentile and kindest gentleman I have ever had the pleasure of meeting. I remember them both very fondly. As with all goodbyes, it was a sad and sombre affair, reflecting on the loss of a loved one, but also turning the focus to your own life. The reality of death makes you ask yourself if you are living enough, if you are free, if you are doing it right.

Maybe it’s my advancing years and rapid approach to midlife, but at this service I found myself worrying about my own inevitable funeral. Should I live to a ripe(ish) age, the generations before me will likely be gone. As I have no children of my own and am never likely to, just who will be left to see me off? I won’t be remembered as that loving matriarch who had the longevity of a harmonious married life; a soulmate; a family. Okay so, by the time I die, if fate is in my favour, I may have my soulmate, I may even have that longevity of marriage, but I won’t have the family. I have never been that way inclined.

It struck me as odd today that I’m not pro motherhood, personally. I am missing the maternal gene, yet I have so much love to give, so much compassion; I think I’d make an awesome mum. All bar one of my cousins have ever growing families of their own. Despite being older than some of them I remain partnerless, marriageless and childless. It filled me with a desperate fear that I may truly end up alone; with merely a few blue rinses from the bingo at my funeral, mostly happy that with one less player there’ll be more money in the winnings pot for them.

There’s not a great deal I can do about that. Some of us are meant for certain things, others…not so much. One can only hope that at my final goodbye, no matter who is left behind, that if I am thought of half as much as those that have gone before me, I must be doing something right.

One can only hope.


Happy New Year!

Ah….a new year….and what a change already. For the first time in a long time I haven’t been glad to see the back of it. 2014 was good to me, on the whole. It began somewhat dubiously but ended on a high with new additions to my life that have come to mean a lot.

2014 saw a romance, albeit brief; friendships lost; friendships gained; the long awaited finality of an insurance claim; a nice amount of saved earnings putting me well on my way to having a deposit for when I buy my first property (hopefully this year); my Mum beating cancer down again; my first holiday in years…..all sorts of things. Pretty awesome! And I am excited. Excited about my future. Even though I still have no clue what I’m meant to be doing! It will come, all in good time.

The best thing to come from last year is a new level of peace. I am happy in myself right now. I have a good head on my shoulders; I’m under no illusion that the peace could be shattered at any moment, so it’s worth being thankful for every day that passes without a scrape, and thankful I am.

Today, for some reason, I found myself being excited about love. There’s no-one special in my life at the moment, no-one remotely of potential for holding my interest, yet I’m still excited! I think it’s because, deep down, I have faith that I will find the absolute one. And it doesn’t matter how long it takes anymore. Even if I found her on my dying day, it would be utterly worth it, just to feel that all consuming, all powerful love….the real thing. I have had love in my life but not the love of my life. She is out there. Somewhere. Going about her day. Maybe hoping to meet ‘me’ too. Wondering when she is going to meet the one to be bamboozled by. How can that be anything other than exciting?! It seems impossible from time to time, but I remain inspired by the notion.

Workwise, I have three months left of my contract and then I am to be set free….who knows where I’ll end up. I know where I’m hoping to be, but time will tell. Frankly, I can’t wait! Although it will be a painful day in March when I pack up and leave….there will be tears. I love them all, it has been a distinct pleasure to be back in that family.

Whatever happens to you this year, may you all be blessed with success and thank you for taking time out to read my little bloggy.

Sending love,