There have always been far too many questions and not nearly enough answers in life. It’s like having a recruitment drive these days; there’s only one job, but there’s a thousand applicants. Just where do you start? Mind you, at least you can sift through the individuals and eventually hire; finding answers isn’t so easy.
I have always questioned existence, especially my own. It’s easier to justify other people’s existences (for the sake of my own sanity.) The most plausible reason is procreation; I have no desire to procreate, no maternal instincts at all. Some are here with their soulmates to walk through life with; I have no soulmate. Some were born to love; I have entirely forgotten how to and, even if it really exists, I question whether I am capable anymore. Some follow the word of religion and even base their life’s work on it; I am distinctly irreligious. So just where do you go? What do you do when you have absolutely no purpose or belief system? I realise I am merely concentrating on what I don’t have, as opposed to what I do, but what I have isn’t making me happy at my core; so.
There are, obviously, two options. Live, or die. We have the right and freedom to choose either. And how easy would the latter be; to have it all over and done with? You may say this is morbid, but this doesn’t come from a state of depression; it’s a logical, practical thought; death would be a blessed relief to my mind. And I know that life is precious and I know there is much enjoyment to be had; I do fill my life with……stuff, and just maybe there are better things to come. I have had love, I have friends, I have family….but this search for happiness keeps proving inconclusive. I just don’t understand what needs to be achieved to be perfectly happy, apart from being in love. Maybe there is no such thing as perfect happiness. Maybe it’s an illusion; a blind faith/hope. Death would end the quest. Death would bring relief (well, it would if you were around to enjoy it.) No more questions, no more striving, no more pain, no more bullshit. Now, to be brutally honest, that sounds like heaven to me.
So then there’s life; the option to just carry on living. The thing about having no purpose, no meaning, no hope, no belief, is that it’s two fold. It’s intensely depressing…..but also, it’s quite liberating. If there is no meaning, there’s almost no consequence. That’s not to say that we should ignore right from wrong; but at the same time, what does anything matter? Live, die, love, be happy, be sad, it’s all completely irrelevant. We will all die one day anyway, so no matter what you do, we’ll all end up the same; in a box or a furnace. And at that point, will how you lived your life have any relevance? Either way, why not go for it? Learn everything, do everything, go everywhere, fall in love, be heartbroken, break hearts, fuck up, make amends, be reckless, who cares? You’re only here once, thank goodness, so do whatever you want. Choose whatever you want.
Do, or do nothing. Be, or not to be. Pick one and don’t worry about what comes next. That’s what I’m telling myself anyway. If true happiness comes, bonus. If not, oh well, at least you can say you lived as well as you could. It all depends on how much effort you want to put in. You could have it all, if you wanted; couldn’t you?