I am not one who wishes to be beaten in life.   I am a fighter, I strive for a better life for myself in many ways and have overcome my share of issues; the biggest of which was probably debt. When I made that final repayment, a few years ago,  I felt like I had set myself free.  I may have got myself into that mess, but I worked hard to get myself out of it.   And yet there is one aspect of my life that persistently defeats me.  Try as I might, fight as I might, it beats me every time and I end up surrendering to it.  It  has been a life long frustration; one which threatens to prematurely end my days, cause me no end of ill health; both of which I am acutely aware of, given my profession within the NHS; yet none of which keep me on a path to overcoming the problem.

I can’t even put it down to an addiction to my vice, because I have proved to myself time and again that I can do without it; but what I think I am addicted to is sabotage.  There has always been an angel and a daemon on either side of me and the daemon has always had the bulk of control, hence the continued failure.  He is extremely manipulative, bargaining with my better judgement, justifying his wants vs the angels needs.  Why do I always let him win?  It’s so much easier to give in than to fight, but the rewards of fighting and succeeding are so much greater than the momentary daemonic pleasures.  It takes time, stamina, will, passion and ‘hunger’ to achieve one’s goals.  As a passionate person it’s hard to believe I have an inconsistent passion for my own health.

Where is this lock deep down within my psyche?  And where do I find the key to unlocking the part of me that retaliates; ruins?  If only I could find it, I could set it free; to never darken my days again; allowing me a clearer path to my successful destiny.  We are all capable of overcoming anything, if we look deep enough, uncover the fear and then just release it.

This is what I charge myself with; to go find; analyse;  burn it down and rise from its ashes.  A slim Phoenix.


7 thoughts on “Sabotage!

  1. This post is very interesting. The idea of self sabotage is fascinating. I wonder if it’s an issue of self worth; the idea that one fights with themselves but sucmbs to what they believe they deserve?! Just one thought and one perspective. What do I know!


      • I’ve got a question, did religion play a role in your upbringing? I’m wondering this from the language you used in your post.
        You’ll jump the hurdle I’m sure. Self awreness seeps through your post 🙂


      • You’re welcome.

        I wondered because the idea of angels/daemons indicates a sort of moral code/ structure in this post.

        I find human reaction to religious ideas fascinating; the notion of blind faith is both an indication of a lazy mind and also quite scary. I’m putting this thought out there in the context of arab discourse.


      • I love religious iconography; probably where the angel/daemon comes from. And I totally agree with you regarding lazy minds. I find that level of blind devotion scary too. Not so bad when it remains a personal preference; each to their own; but when it’s preached or used to influence others, I disagree entirely x


      • I also love religious iconography. When I was in Cyprus last summer I saw quite a few I took a day trip into the mountains, it was beautiful.
        It’s interesting how what fascinates us can become so vivid and visual in our interpretations of emotions and understandings of our world xx


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