I am not one who wishes to be beaten in life. I am a fighter, I strive for a better life for myself in many ways and have overcome my share of issues; the biggest of which was probably debt. When I made that final repayment, a few years ago, I felt like I had set myself free. I may have got myself into that mess, but I worked hard to get myself out of it. And yet there is one aspect of my life that persistently defeats me. Try as I might, fight as I might, it beats me every time and I end up surrendering to it. It has been a life long frustration; one which threatens to prematurely end my days, cause me no end of ill health; both of which I am acutely aware of, given my profession within the NHS; yet none of which keep me on a path to overcoming the problem.
I can’t even put it down to an addiction to my vice, because I have proved to myself time and again that I can do without it; but what I think I am addicted to is sabotage. There has always been an angel and a daemon on either side of me and the daemon has always had the bulk of control, hence the continued failure. He is extremely manipulative, bargaining with my better judgement, justifying his wants vs the angels needs. Why do I always let him win? It’s so much easier to give in than to fight, but the rewards of fighting and succeeding are so much greater than the momentary daemonic pleasures. It takes time, stamina, will, passion and ‘hunger’ to achieve one’s goals. As a passionate person it’s hard to believe I have an inconsistent passion for my own health.
Where is this lock deep down within my psyche? And where do I find the key to unlocking the part of me that retaliates; ruins? If only I could find it, I could set it free; to never darken my days again; allowing me a clearer path to my successful destiny. We are all capable of overcoming anything, if we look deep enough, uncover the fear and then just release it.
This is what I charge myself with; to go find; analyse; burn it down and rise from its ashes. A slim Phoenix.