Not Yet! Come Back Later!

I have many thoughts when it comes to love…..the beauty of it, the pain of it, the ownership of it, the loss of it, the want of it, and so on; as I am quite sure I’ve mentioned before……  There is no doubt that true love is amazing and what we all want to find; but what if our expectations of a person never match up to the ideal in our heads?  Do we forever strive to find a love that may only exist in our imagination?  Do we submit to settling for someone we love, but who may not fulfil our deepest desires?  Or do we just stay single?

I am big on equalities in life and I think it’s even more important to be equals in a relationship in many respects; mostly with regard to attitude, consideration, loyalty, thoughtfulness, helpfulness and a capacity to love.  I know precisely what I have to offer a person; and it’s the kind of deep love and loyalty that you just don’t see these days.  And, although, I may wish for a true love to come my way; I realise it may not even exist.

Yet I do wonder if infact it’s me that is not right for a relationship.  Maybe, after everything; after all the hurt, the pain, the broken hearts, the failure to be given a true love; maybe the reason for all of this is that I am meant to be alone.  There is no doubt that I have a lot of love to give; but there is immense doubt as to whether somebody exists who can return as much love; or even, if I am capable of receiving it.  What if I convince myself that my own flaws are enough to prevent me inflicting myself upon a poor, unsuspecting soul?!  What if, I am not enough for the kind of love I dream about?

Love is wonderful, but I think I may just have to admire it from afar.  It will take someone particularly incredible to turn my head and, at the moment, I know I’m not enough for her; I’m not woman enough to have her heart; I’m not accomplished enough; I’m not physically acceptable enough and I wouldn’t even say I’m emotionally mature enough;………………but I’m working on it! 

So, to the love of my life, wherever she may be………….bear with.  Bear with.

 

JG

Advertisements

Comfortably Single vs Desperately Dating

It is often wondered just why I am still single.  People that truly care about me will ask me why, when I am so deserving of someone, am I alone?  Earlier today my choice to not date was put into question by a complete stranger and it made me stop and think……why don’t I date?  Why am I alone?

I was upset by this stranger, momentarily.  The idea that someone, who knows nothing about me, could challenge my lifestyle choice as though they somehow knew something I didn’t, was a bit too presumptious for my liking.  I don’t date because I don’t believe in it.  It’s just another Americanism, embraced by the U.K. and it doesn’t suit everyone; least of all me.

I once relented and agreed to a date.  Worst date in the history of all dates, as it transpired.  I won’t detail the quite unimaginable eye opening scenarios that unfolded but, suffice to say if there was ever a book on dating etiquette, she most certainly would’ve only used it to prop up a wonky table leg.  Ultimately it confirmed to me why I don’t like dates.  As a good friend recently said, “Dating is a strange creation.  Putting two people in a situation they can, usually, ill afford; in a town one of them doesn’t know; acting totally unnaturally.”  This is a sentiment I wholeheartedly agree with.  What on Earth is the point?  I understand it from an entertainment point of view; it certainly does provide some eccentric stories to relay around the dinner table; but other than that, I see no benefit.

I am a traditionalist and I make no apologies for it.  With my own experiences in love and loss, I am now at a point where I am perfectly comfortable alone.  I really never thought I’d say that.  I believe in love; I believe in real, true, lasting and fated love.  I believe that all love is predestined; and I believe that there is someone out there for me who will become the love of my life.  I have yet to meet her.  Why settle for anything less in the meantime?

Being asked, “Why are you still single?” isn’t a reflection on me; it’s more a reflection of the people currently in my life; or, to be more accurate, the lack of anyone ‘special’ in my life.  I am single, because my heart doesn’t, currently, desire anyone that I could actually have a relationship with.  When the time comes, I meet someone and that spark happens…..that is when I’ll pursue it.  That is when my ticker will kick in and I’ll have an interest in someone again.

I don’t believe that I would find my ‘one’ from dating.  And, truly, with so, so many people in the world finding The One is almost impossible.  You know what they say……’stop looking and you will find it.’  Love, real love, will find us, all in good time.

JG

Amore Day!!!!

love-mod

 

 

Ah….Valentine’s Day…….the mere thought of it puts a bright smile on my face and a warmth in my heart. ♥

I took myself out for a walk this evening; ran a couple of errands and thought I’d walk to the 24hour supermarket to treat myself.  Now, I don’t mind telling you that I bought myself a very luxurious box of chocolates, a bottle of Disaronno (to be consumed in moderation, unlike the chocolates) and some cute Valentine’s Day paraphernalia.   I would have bought flowers, but alas, I was too late and they had sold out, still I can get some when I return home on Sunday.  🙂

This is my first Valentine’s as a single girl again.  I had two with my last partner (N); the first one, well we were ‘together’ but not together….if you know what I mean. 😉   By the time the next Valentine’s Day came around, we were serious and oh how the gifts were showered!  ‘Twas a lovely time.  Prior to her I’d been on my own for five years. 

Those five years before N were very bitter ones.  I boycotted every Valentine’s Day because I was embroiled in my own self pitying, bitter resentment at being rejected by D, after seven years together.  I hated that she was with someone and I wasn’t.  I hated that I loved so much but had no-one to give it to.  I immersed myself in my own tragedy.  Shame on me.

Now, though, as I find myself single again and, despite the face that N is, presumably, still with the person she got with after me; I find that I have absolutely no bitterness, no resentment, no animosity towards love, or towards any individual.  Instead I am really excited about the day ahead!!  I know that sounds daft, but you see, I have so much love in me……….and that is all I feel.  Love.  I appreciate everything that I had when I was part of a couple.  I may no longer be in love, but nothing can ever take away the Valentine’s Days that I have been lucky enough to share.  And as singletons, why shouldn’t we treat ourselves on occasions like this?  I realise buying yourself a gift is no comparison to receiving one, nor is it compensation for not having anyone to buy for; but, quite frankly, a girl should not have to go without!!

I’m excited for all the couples out there who get to indulge in the romance of it all.  There is nothing greater than being with the one you love, on any day of the year, but Valentine’s….just has that little something extra special.

One day, I may get my perfect Valentine’s, with the one I love……being whisked off to Paris maybe……………..ah oui, mon amour!!!!  But until then, or if maybe it never happens, at least there is no more bitterness left in me.  I can’t wait to see the abundance of love all around tomorrow.

Whether single, or taken, enjoy the wonderful day ahead.

With lots of love,

JG

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Have You Truly Lived?

As there is never enough time to do all there is to do in life…..and you are only really accountable for the opportunities afforded you……if asked the question, “Have you lived?”  How will you know what to answer?  By what/whose standard is there to measure by?

I am, as yet, unmarried.

I don’t want to have children.

I haven’t seen the world/travelled.

I don’t date.

I underachieve, by my own standards.

I have dreamed.

I have never cheated.

I do not tell lies

Have I not lived?

 

I have loved.

I have worked.

I have overcome debt.

I have infrequently holidayed.

I have made people smile.

I have been a positive influence..

I have loved unrequitedly.

I have been generous.

I am loved.

 

Have I lived?

 

We can all presume we have many years left to live…..but if found on our death beds today……could you be satisfied that you lived to the best of your ability?  And if the answer is even a remotely curious, ‘no,’……………..what will you do about that?

JG