I am a guest at my first gay wedding this week. My friend is marrying the woman she proposed to two years ago. I’ve known her for many years and we share many memorable times. I couldn’t be happier for her. She called me earlier to read a poem to me: the poem that she wrote and is dedicating to her beloved during the ceremony – just incase it needed any tweaking and for her chance to rehearse it aloud. It needed no tweaking. It was honest, genuine, it flowed and was from the heart. You don’t need to be Shakespeare to accomplish that.
Naturally in situations, you tend to reflect upon your own circumstances. I surprised myself when I felt my heart warm and my smile broaden at how happy I was for her. The old me would have collapsed in despair; wracked with jealousy and resentment at life for providing ‘everyone else’ with love and marriage but not me; like I was the unlucky recipient of a severe cosmic bullying…
However, a funny thing has happened within me. Before I met my ex, I knew I would love again; I knew it was coming. I felt it. Life prepared me to love again, with a series of events that led me to her door. I have had my ups and downs since the break up; from the questioning, self doubt, confusion; to asking the Universe for love, to help me find ‘the one’ and being excited about the prospect. These are all the varying stages of grieving, but now, all that has gone; and today confirmed it. Talking to my friend, I realised how much love and happiness is within me and how much I felt at somebody else’s fortune. I love my ex, of course I do, love doesn’t just switch off, and there is so much about us to miss; but the fact that I loved again, when I never thought it was possible, is enough for me. Not forgetting that I, too, was loved; more than I’d ever felt before; that is more than enough.
All of this has brought me to a point where I can finally say I am happy. I may only be young (ish) but if I never find love again, that’s okay. I have enough love in me to keep me going. I can be a singleton. Finding someone doesn’t seem as much of a priority anymore. The relationship may have ended….but I did find it. I found what I was looking for.
If it happens one day then I will probably burst with joy, but if not, there is plenty of happiness to be gained from the joys of the people I care about.
All the best to them two herberts, I wish them a lifetime of wedded bliss.