I used to think I had it all. I was 22, in my first relationship, openly gay, in love with my soulmate. We had debt up to our eyeballs, repayments stretching our budgets, no money to afford anywhere near a good living. One year, for Christmas, we spent hours making a variety of chocolate truffles to box up as gifts because we had no money for presents….but it didn’t matter. We had a lot of fun doing it and we felt good that it was a personal touch. Nothing in life seemed to matter back then because we had eachother. Seven years after it began, it failed. I was ruined.
I have strived to better my lifestyle since then, which I did. I worked hard to pay off all my debts, which I did. I enjoyed the lifestyle, through a decent paying job, but has it brought me happiness? No. Has it brought me peace? Well, to a degree, yes. And after the last attempt at love failed it begs the question, just what else do I have to do to be happy?
The love of my last girlfriend made me happy but the relationship was so fraught with problems that it’s hardly surprising it didn’t last. Just being honest. Though no-one can say I didn’t try all I could to make it work.
So what now?
I’ve spent this evening with family in a home I’ve been coming to for most of my life, since my Aunt and Uncle moved here some 25-30 years ago. I loved being part of a couple, with my first love, bringing her here, sharing my family with her. I had it made. We had a future. As it turns out, that future didn’t involve her! Still, I got over it. Took me 4-5years but I got over it.
I look at my cousins, married with kids of their own, and although I don’t want kids, I can’t help but wonder, why not me? Why have I got to this age without a snifter of ‘the one?’ When everyone in my life tells me I’m so worthy, why does she elude me? I know good things come to those who wait, but Christ…!
At the moment I have to hold my hands up, surrender to life and just go with it; keep up the hope that one day I will be settled, that one day I will have what I want, what I deserve. I may, currently, have a job that earns a decent wage, but I have always maintained that I would give it all up to have true love; to feel truly content again.
What’s the point of money when there’s no-one to share it with? And who needs money when all you need is love?