Which is harder; breaking up, or moving on? Back in August, the actual break-up itself happened over a couple of weeks, but for me, moving on has taken months; and now that I am finally, literally doing it, life feels slightly more surreal, but not necessarily in a bad way.
My ex and I were only together for 18months. It’s barely any time in the grand scheme of things, but when it’s love, a nanosecond is all it takes to ensure a break-up to be painful, confusing and heart-breakingly soul destroying. I can imagine what you are thinking….’get over it already,’ ‘shit happens,’ ‘there’s plenty more fish in sea,’ etc, etc; and fair play, you have a point. Consider though, that I am a fool with love. I may not fall very often but when I do it is everything to me; and as a deeply (and somewhat irrationally) sentimental person, I am doubly doomed when it comes to love. I have done nothing but allow sadness at the loss of my relationship (which I had waited so long for), the guilt for my part in allowing it to fail, and the consequential limbo, to overwhelm me. I let my world come to a stop and to a point, on several occasions, where the resulting depression would make me wish for an eternal sleep. There is no-one, nor indeed any situation in life on this Earth that is worth feeling like that over.
So, after all of this grieving and healing I am in a place, spiritually, where I no longer feel guilt, I wouldn’t even say there is sadness, but there is a melancholy upon reminiscing. Now, though, it is combined with such an overwhelming sense of thankfulness, of happiness. I am packing up my belongings, a lot of which have been given to me by, or bought with, my ex and I am happily taking them with me. I wrote a poem, a couple of months ago, describing unpacking my belongings and then repacking them and putting them out of sight as it was too hard to see them. The memories would initially make me smile, but that emotion was instantly replaced with intense sadness and I would breakdown and cry. Now, though, I just feel happy. Happy that it even happened; that although she wasn’t my forever, she was mine for that time and a piece of my heart will forever belong to her. (oops a teeny tear welled in each eye just then.) I will take these things and remember the love that accompanies them, not because I am pining for something I can no longer have, rather that I am so thankful I had it in the first place. Nothing, nor anyone can ever take that away. The scars on my heart will always send a pulsing shockwave through my body when I think of what was lost, but my thankful soul will rescue me from pain.
I am happy to be starting over. I am being given a second chance with this move…. to achieve the things I didn’t the first time around and boy am I gonna make it work this time! My ex moved on in the quickest of ways, distracted from life with another relationship, within no time of our split. This did not come as a surprise to me, but it was the additional factor that secured more weeks of agonising soul searching, self questioning and a distinct absence of understanding of what the Universe thinks it’s playing at with my life. She has made her declaration that she is trying to find new happiness and is on a quest to find herself and I wish her well. Personally, I believe a new relationship is the last thing you need when trying to learn how to stand alone, but we are different people and deal with things differently. Now I am ready to make the same declaration……to find my own happiness again, of which I have every right. (Took me a long time to recognise that.)
For me, a new relationship is the last thing on my mind. I only enter into a relationship when I have real feelings for someone, which is why it happens so rarely. There is far more beauty and purpose in sharing a life with someone you are genuinely in love with, rather than being with someone just because you don’t want to be alone. That’s not to say that the latter is wrong, it’s just not for me. I will find someone again, when the time is right and I am in no rush. There’s a lot I’d prefer to achieve on my own, first, but as life has its own plan, I will keep an open mind to it all.