Two years ago I agonised over a decision to relocate to the North West, from the South East, to follow my folks who moved up in their retirement. Roughly six weeks after the move I found myself seeing the girl I would end up in a relationship with and consequently move to live with. 18 months later I was back in the family home, relationship over. It’s taken me a while to come to terms with everything; not just the relationship, but also life, in general. Now, I am left wondering…….what happened?!
I found a Zumba class when I first moved up here in late 2011. I had been doing it for a while, back home, and didn’t want to stop. As I have started to feel more like my good ole self, I decided to return to that class. While I was there, standing in the back, stepping from foot to foot to the music, eager to start, an odd feeling came over me. Although I am a different person to the me two years prior, here I was in the same class I frequented two years ago….living at my parent’s, as I was two years ago…….planning to return to work in the new year and move into my own place, as I was two years ago. Just where did two years go?!!!!!!
It’s like I fell into a deep sleep, had an extremely vivid dream, and then woke up; just as though nothing real had taken place. To make things even more bizarre, I have had a contract offer from the same place I worked at before relocating……and accommodation, which I was in whilst working there becomes available Xmas week……so, effectively, if all goes to plan, I will be in the same job, practically in the same flat, dahn sahf again.
You can imagine the questions that have flooded my tiny mind……where did those two years go? Why, if life intended on returning me from whence I came, did I have to make the decision to move my life and all my gear up here in the first place? Why the relationship? Was it (and I mean this in absolutely no disrespect to my ex) a stepping stone to my next? Was it just to teach me a lesson that will stand me in good stead in the months/years to come? In relationships to come? Why, since the break up, did I decide to ditch the day job and do something that I thought would make me happy, if I am to now abandon that new philosophy and return to work (apart from needing an income of course)?!! Why? Why? Why?!!!!!!
I see nothing in life as just coincidence. I always look at the bigger picture. I don’t view my life on a day to day basis, I think long term. I believe in everything happening for a reason. Whether that is because I am Faithless, but still being human, I need something to believe in; or because it is actually true; I have to justify events and create perspective. I know, precisely, the various lessons learned from my last relationship. I am painfully aware of the reality of it all. It’s only now that I can look back fondly and thankfully, but without emotional attachment.
It may be some time before I know the reason for it all. Deep down, I think I do already. As a friend has frequently pointed out to me, all that has happened has taught me what I don’t want in life. Although intentions of living near my folks were good, in reality, I am not of retirement age. When I moved I wanted to settle down from all the constant to-ing and fro-ing that comes with being a contractor; I was knackered! I worked all hours, I travelled all over in my spare time, visiting friends and family; I certainly lived, but I’d had enough.
You could say I got precisely what I wanted. I moved, I found love, I settled down. I had someone to come home to. I worked when I wanted to, had plenty of time out when I wanted to. It was a good position to be in; in fact it was an amazing position to be in. Now though, after everything, my priorities have changed. I am no longer in need of finding love. I no longer need to settle down. I have no desire for a relationship any time soon. I am happy to live my life as it happens, without expectations; even, dare I admit it, patiently.
So these past two years may seem to have passed in the blink of an eye, but I feel like I have been given a second chance. Life provided what I thought I needed and in the process it taught me to chill out, to not place so much importance on finding love, and more poignantly to not feel duty bound to follow love when your gut advises you otherwise. All that is meant to be will happen in good time; whether it be another lesson to learn, or the real deal.
So thank you life, I heard ya! Time to enjoy my freedom.