Was it the break up; the consequent break down, or the emerging reinvention that prevented me from planning tonight’s meal whilst in Tesco earlier? Combine that with, ‘Ooh, these tikka chicken slices I used to buy (whilst living with my ex)….I’ll have them for lunch,’ and……..WARNING! WARNING! BRAIN OVERLOAD! EVACUATE SUPERMARKET IMMEDIATELY!
What happened? Until the split, two months ago, a meal (according to fat club guidelines) was second nature to me. I’d cook for us both without hesitation, whilst simultaneously defrosting tomorrows offering; baking her favourite cake; feeding the animals; putting the washing on the line and tidying the kitchen…you get the picture; in short, a domestic Goddess. Now, I can’t think for myself, let alone cook for myself. I often think I’ll assist in some housework whilst at Mum’s, but with a brain the consistency of mushy peas, even doing some ironing seems too impossible a task to take on. It’s a good job I turned down that bungalow to rent. How did I ever think I was ready to start again on my own so soon?
The break up stripped me of my sanity, it’s true; the world as I had come to know it collapsed. Although I felt my decision to leave was the right one, under the circumstances, I was not prepared for what followed. Anxiety, panic attacks, a damaged heart, an overwhelming uncertainty of my future, a disbelief that this has happened again in my life. I didn’t understand. I didn’t want to believe it had failed; and so soon. I had waited so long for love before we were brought together.
The break down was out of the blue….now when I say breakdown, I don’t mean I was in a back-to-front jacket, colouring with crayons and having dribble mopped from my chin; although some days that didn’t feel too far away…! It started by wanting to get ‘back to normal’ too soon. As usual, I attempted to take on far more than I was able to cope with. I stopped functioning, being able to make the simplest decisions and so my life came to an abrupt halt. Suddenly everything was in question……why did the relationship end? Why did it happen in the first place? Where will I live? When will I go back to work? Do I even want that job anymore? Why am I about to hand over all my savings to rent a property I don’t really need yet? Why am I fighting to live a life I don’t want anymore?
And so, the reinvention began. I don’t want my old job. I don’t want my old life. I don’t want a bungalow in Cleveleys (as nice as it was.) I don’t wanna be fat anymore. I don’t want to do the things I’ve always done. I want to be happy. For once in my life, I want to be truly happy. So…..I abandon my job. I abandon the bungalow. I accept that I now live at my parents until life changes again. I want to write, in whatever capacity I can, and maybe earn a living by it; it’s all I’ve ever wanted. Writing has always been a dream so I have committed myself to a writing course to see where it leads me, if anywhere. At least I know that it’s better to try and fail than to not try at all. If worst comes to worst, there’s always my profession to fall back on.
I want to be fit and not carry this weight around. The weight represents years of baggage, literally. I’ve had this fat for many years and it just gets added to. All that time, those bad dietary choices, the sedentary life……it’s time to shed it all; the physical and emotional baggage and I have found an excellent trainer who is getting me to where I need to be.
These could become exciting times; but they are not to be taken for granted, as today proved. There are reminders each day of both how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve still to go. At least, this time, I know better.