Reaching Out (to the ex)

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We’ve all had one of those moments……………..you have your phone in your hand; a blank text message displayed; above, your ex’s name and teeny photo denoting who you are about to write to……and you begin a sentimental text.   You miss her, you want her to be happy, you want her to look after herself and you want her to know you are here for her; again.  You end it with a string of kisses, a love heart and reread it five times.  It bring tears to your eyes.  The phone shakes in your trembling hand, eyes so watery the text is now blurred.

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Best not send one.

Start a new message, having thought of a different angle of approach.  Tell her you hope she’s looking after herself and that you want to be friends soon, once the dust settles.  Continue until you are happy with the new, more practical, but still heartfelt message.  Reread three times.

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Something just keeps kicking in.  A feeling of, what’s the point?  You had a relationship, surely she knows how you feel?  Will the text not be received well?  Will it mess with her head?  Does she even care anymore, or will it be just like any other bleating text from an ex.  (But I was different from the others wasn’t I?)

Is this a case of put up and shut up?  Or should you always reveal how you are feeling?  It’s not about expressing undying love when there’s no chance of a reunion, a person should have more self-respect than that…..this is about just telling someone you care, that you love them, that you want so much more for them, even though things didn’t work out for you as a couple.

It’s true that if you are, for example, in unrequited love, there isn’t a thing on this Earth that you can do or say to make your beloved fall for you.  Not a single thing.  (Been there.)  Similarly, there is nothing you can do or say to pluck someone out of their own unhealthy lifestyle choices.  And God knows I have tried.  No amount of words can ever halt that process.  It has to come from the individual, from within.

She must know that I love her.  She must know that I want the best for her.  She must know that I miss her so much.  She must know that I want her friendship, an equal friendship; but instead of me saying it, maybe this time the Universe will see my blog and pass the message on.

JG

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Options (not the hot chocolate)

When life is yours for the taking, so full of options……what do you do?  Where do you go?

‘Follow your heart,’ they say, but what if your heart says nothing?  Is it really saying that you have nothing to aim for, or is the silence simply telling you to just sit still?  Maybe this recuperation time is the calm before the storm……a moment before life gets hectic again….and Lord knows I have kept my life hectic for years.  In the past couple of weeks I have come to realise how much I need this break.

Either something will come along to change the course of my life, or it finally dawns on me, just what exactly it is that I want, and then I can go get it.

So for now, I sit still, waiting for that Eureka moment…..

In Pursuit of Happiness

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What is it that makes you happy?  Is it a combination of a variety of things?  i.e., Is it the love of your partner?  A smile from your kids?  A wink from a stranger?  A win at bingo?  Fitting into smaller jeans?  Surely these examples are just causes of momentary happiness; and if so, I must adapt my original question.  What is it that makes you truly happy?

It has to come from something deep within; a state of mind; an inner calm; a mental well-being; a life choice; an acceptance of self.  How does one achieve that when so much in life goes wrong?  How do you stay happy when your heart has been damaged, seemingly beyond repair, during your life?  How can you be happy when you work hard all throughout your career only to be made redundant and fail to regain the lifestyle you had become so accustomed to?  How can you stay happy when the person closest to you; your partner, parent, or child dies?  Do all these types of negative life events earn you the right to be bitter and unhappy?  Some cope, some fail to, but with or without these events, we still deserve to be happy.

I have been happy in my life, at times, but I don’t consider myself a truly happy person…..yet.  I am a definite Wednesday’s child and far too sensitive for my own good.  Maybe I’ve not had the opportunity to realise my full potential, or maybe my dreams are bigger than my reality is ever meant to be – if so, I am doomed to never find true happiness, let alone any amount of inner peace; that’s for me to work out for myself.  Happiness is certainly something to be envied.  Some seem to have it all….the marriage, the job, the lifestyle, the family…..and if you possess what it is that makes you smile everyday, don’t ever forget how lucky you are because, sometimes in life, luck runs out.  Take nothing for granted.

Music makes me happy.  Independence makes me happy.  My own head space makes me happy.  A random ‘touching base’ text makes me happy.  Love makes me euphoric.  To have love is to have all, in my opinion.

What if, for some, true happiness is only found in the arms of the one you love?  Is that so wrong?  Isn’t that what real love is supposed to do; lift you higher than you believed possible?  Of course, that is why it’s such a crushing blow when a relationship cracks.  Love is supposed to take you beyond any level of happiness or contentedness that you can achieve on your own.  If it didn’t enhance your life, or your happiness, what’s the point in having it?  It is important to find some way of being content and at peace with your own life; for some unlucky people, love constantly eludes them.

Me?  I was born to love – I had always believed that within love lies my truest, deepest happiness.  Yet if I am to be unlucky in love and remain alone; I shall just have to bestow all the bursting love in my heart to myself, my people and my cat; living life doing only the things I enjoy, striving to attain my pursuit of happiness,.

Break-up/Breakdown

Was it the break up; the consequent break down, or the emerging reinvention that prevented me from planning tonight’s meal whilst in Tesco earlier?  Combine that with, ‘Ooh, these tikka chicken slices I used to buy (whilst living with my ex)….I’ll have them for lunch,’  and……..WARNING!  WARNING!  BRAIN OVERLOAD!  EVACUATE SUPERMARKET IMMEDIATELY!

What happened?  Until the split, two months ago, a meal (according to fat club guidelines) was second nature to me.  I’d cook for us both without hesitation, whilst simultaneously defrosting tomorrows offering; baking her favourite cake; feeding the animals; putting the washing on the line and tidying the kitchen…you get the picture; in short, a domestic Goddess.  Now, I can’t think for myself, let alone cook for myself.   I often think I’ll assist in some housework whilst at Mum’s, but with a brain the consistency of mushy peas, even doing some ironing seems too impossible a task to take on.  It’s a good job I turned down that bungalow to rent.  How did I ever think I was ready to start again on my own so soon?

The break up stripped me of my sanity, it’s true; the world as I had come to know it collapsed.   Although I felt my decision to leave was the right one, under the circumstances, I was not prepared for what followed.   Anxiety, panic attacks, a damaged heart, an overwhelming uncertainty of my future, a disbelief that this has happened again in my life.  I didn’t understand.  I didn’t want to believe it had failed; and so soon.  I had waited so long for love before we were brought together.

The break down was out of the blue….now when I say breakdown, I don’t mean I was in a back-to-front jacket, colouring with crayons and having dribble mopped from my chin; although some days that didn’t feel too far away…!  It started by wanting to get ‘back to normal’ too soon.  As usual, I attempted to take on far more than I was able to cope with.  I stopped functioning, being able to make the simplest decisions and so my life came to an abrupt halt.  Suddenly everything was in question……why did the relationship end?  Why did it happen in the first place?  Where will I live?  When will I go back to work?  Do I even want that job anymore?  Why am I about to hand over all my savings to rent a property I don’t really need yet?  Why am I fighting to live a life I don’t want anymore?

And so, the reinvention began.  I don’t want my old job.  I don’t want my old life.  I don’t want a bungalow in Cleveleys (as nice as it was.)  I don’t wanna be fat anymore.  I don’t want to do the things I’ve always done.  I want to be happy.  For once in my life, I want to be truly happy.  So…..I abandon my job.  I abandon the bungalow.  I accept that I now live at my parents until life changes again.  I want to write, in whatever capacity I can, and maybe earn a living by it; it’s all I’ve ever wanted.  Writing has always been a dream so I have committed myself to a writing course to see where it leads me, if anywhere.  At least I know that it’s better to try and fail than to not try at all.  If worst comes to worst, there’s always my profession to fall back on.

I want to be fit and not carry this weight around.  The weight represents years of baggage, literally.  I’ve had this fat for many years and it just gets added to.  All that time, those bad dietary choices, the sedentary life……it’s time to shed it all; the physical and emotional baggage and I have found an excellent trainer who is getting me to where I need to be.

These could become exciting times; but they are not to be taken for granted, as today proved.  There are reminders each day of both how far I’ve come, and how far I’ve still to go.  At least, this time, I know better.

JG 23.10.13

Health – A Brief Perspective

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Life is soon put starkly into perspective when someone you love becomes threateningly ill.  For all the bellyaching that we all do, ‘oh I’m so skint; oh why doesn’t he/she love me; oh I hate my job, oh this, oh that, oh the other,’ imagine if your partner, your parent, your child or yourself were suddenly diagnosed with a terminal illness, or the once healthy and vibrant Grandparent starts to show signs of frailty, of their own mortality.  Abruptly your perspective changes.  Those things that once consumed your every thought are now completely inconsequential.

I should interject that everything is relevant, this is true, and I am well known to have bellyached over the trivialities of life.  However, it’s always worth reminding yourself that sometimes things go wrong – you lose your job, your home, your relationship – turmoil ensues, but to have your health is fortunate indeed.

If you are healthy you are spared the endless trips to the – nearly almost all useless – GPs; spared the blood tests, the hospital appointments, the apprehension of a forthcoming procedure and the agonising wait of test results; nor do you have to worry about unresolved aches and pains or of the regimental visits for hours sitting for an infusion of chemotherapy.

In short, to have your health is to have your freedom.  It is the least anyone of us can ask for from life.  It costs nothing and yet to lose it costs everything.

Love’s Unrequitedness

What is it that makes you fall for a person?  Why does it happen?  Is it the Universe and all of its components coming together at once to provide the precise circumstances for two people to meet?  Or is it just chance?

Worse though, if the elements can be blamed for the eruption of love, why is it that sometimes the other person doesn’t fall for you?  How could the beautiful Universe be so cruel to render you hopelessly in love with another human when they couldn’t care a toss about you?  Where was the malfunction there?  If Earth, Air and Fire got it right, did Water miss the memo?

Beside the seaside, beside the sea

Love is most definitely in the air.  Sitting on my spot on Blackpool prom every way I turn I see them; the loving couples, the kisses, the embraces.  There are families, dog walkers, coach loads of pensioners, tourists and locals alike.  Couples walk, holding hands, blissfully content on this sunny autumn day.  A man touches his partners face and looks at her so adoringly, before they kiss so gently, so tenderly; it warms my heart and I say to myself, ‘Now that’s what I’m talking about.’

I seem to spot the singletons far less than I do the couples.  Maybe that’s because the singles don’t frequent the prom, or maybe it’s because I’m so attuned to love that it’s what my eyes are drawn to most.  The prom is a romantic place to be after all.  The daytime lovers stroll, basking in the sunlight, the sound of the waves crashing below, the fun being had by all as far as the eye can see; the twilight meanderings along a wet tideless beach, the calm sea lit only by a strikingly bright moon; the promenade kiosks closed down, its families tucked up in bed, is now the perfect scene for couples entwined in loving embraces; kisses under the moonlight, a calmness, a serenity, a knowing that all is right with the world.

You may assume that there isn’t much romance for a singleton in such an environment, but you should reconsider.  I have walked along this prom with family, friends and former partners, daytime, night time; in total happiness and in absolute sadness.  I sit here now, by myself, a single woman, in the throes of changing my entire life, as I know it; a complete reinvention, and I can feel the romance in the air.  It surrounds me like a crimson shield, a heart shaped aura, inspiring me, comforting me, filling me with contentment, peace, joy, even if it is just in this moment.  This moment is mine, nobody can take it away, nobody can interfere.  This lovefest is only just beginning and it is enchanting.